Her
by anardentauthor
Summary: All his life, he has devoted himself to one thing-her.


_Prologue_

_All his life, he has devoted himself to one thing-her._

_ What do we live for?_

For years, I pondered this. Now, as I lay here dying, I realize I don't really have an answer.

We must have been put on this earth for something, I told myself when I was younger. Perhaps it was to be happy, or to find happiness? Well, that was impossible for the first eight years of my life. At home I was in a constant state of fear. At school, I was made a victim every single day. I thought, perhaps, life was meaningless-until I met _her_.

_ Lily Evans._ I had spotted her at the park one summer evening of my ninth year, walking home from school. She was playing with her sister, of course I paid almost no attention to the latter. With her bright smile, her fiery red hair, her beautiful green eyes-oh, those eyes! Those sparkling eyes of emerald, an endless expanse of mesmerizing wonder!-Lily Evans would surely catch everyone's attention. Of course I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her. She had a quality-an immeasurable, impossible quality-that drew me to her. Looking back, it was probably her happiness. Her smile was so beautiful and genuine. I think it was the first time in my life that I saw one.

Lily Evans was special, certainly. She happened to be "special" in the same way that I was-she was _magic._ After watching her from afar for a few days (I wasn't the most social person), I told her, rather bluntly, that she was a witch. And she believed me! You can't imagine the joy I felt! From they day forward, we were the best of friends. We spent nearly every day together, becoming excited each time we happened to see an owl, hoping, _praying,_ that it would be carrying a letter. _Our_ letter. And finally, they arrived.

Of course, as far as my social life went, little changed. I was teased for my shabby, unkempt appearance-but what could I do? Fortunately Lily came to my defense every time. If it weren't for her, I don't know what I would have done.

It was all going so well, until Potter and Sirius targeted me as their victim. Every day, at the very least, they gave me a snide insult, if not more. Even with Lily, I never did feel completely safe.

After the first year, things started going horribly wrong. Lily would always come to my defense, but I saw how she looked at Potter. I told myself it wasn't happening, but deep down I understood the look that Lily gave to the damned boy. It was only a matter of time until she was his. This realization sent me into a frenzy. She was the only friend I had ever known, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before Potter took her from me. I adopted an even more pessimistic view towards life, harboring contempt for nearly everyone who looked my way. It was, I suppose, a defense mechanism. A poor one.

Eventually, after being seduced by the promises of power and respect, I joined the Death Eaters. I began associating with them, even during school. Lily didn't like it, not at all. She thought they were a bad influence. My God, she was right. I should have listened, but a part of me thought that, after I had achieved the strength I had been promised, she would be so enthralled that she would spend forever with me. How wrong I was.

We begin to drift apart. With nothing else to do and nowhere else to turn, I began to dabble in the Dark Arts, creating various curses that I planned to use on my enemies. I also had a natural affinity for potion making, and spent the remainder of my time concocting new ones and improving old ones. We barely spoke. And then _that_ happened.

Potter thought it would be amusing to harass me in front of half the student body, including Lily. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. What miniscule shred of pride I had was smashed to pieces. And in my shame and agitation, I insulted Lily in the worst possible way I could.

I know it hurt her. But it wasn't the only thing that kept her from forgiving me. My loyalty to the Dark Lord-which was growing every day-was pushing her away from me. She was far too pure to associate with something so horrid. But when I realized this, it was too late to turn back. We spoke sparsely, then one day, we had a conversation. She never spoke to me after that.

My life may as well have ended there, but it did not. I spent the next several years working for the Dark Lord. I would have left him, but I was far too afraid. I forgot my fear, however, when I found out that he was planning to kill Lily. I begged him to, at the very least, spare her. He could kill the boy, fine. By all means, kill Potter. But not Lily. Please, not Lily.

When he declined I went to the only person who was stronger than him-Albus Dumbledore. He was completely disgusted with me, but he promised to save the family if I would pledge my loyalty to him. I did, instantly. But he did not follow through. She died.

I remember that day quite clearly. It was the first time in ten years that I cried. Surely, without her-the only good thing in my clearly horrid life-life would cease. But it didn't. Because a part of her was still living on in her son, who had just so happened to survive.

And so, I vowed I would protect the boy. A part of me loathed him, for he looked exactly like his father, the man I had come to despise more than anyone else. But. He had the deep, all-encompassing eyes of his mother. Those beautiful, beautiful eyes were the only part of her that was left. The woman I loved was still alive, in some form, some way. At least I had them.

My life has been full of mistakes, but I know that I have done two right things in my life. Befriending Lily Evans, and protecting her son. I suppose you might say the reason for my existence was her. And I will die a happy man if I can look into her eyes one last time.


End file.
